February 2012
23 posts
Bro Code 125)
If a Bro is driving ahead of another Bro in a Bro Train, he is required to attempt to lose him in traffic as a funny joke.
Bro Code 124)
If a Bro should shoot an air ball, strike out while playing softball, or throw a gutter ball while Browling, he is required to make some sort of excuse for himself.
Bro Code 123)
Two Bros shall maintain at least a three-foot radius between them while dancing on the same floor, even when reenacting the knife fight from “Beat It” which, I guess, two Bros shouldn’t do anyway, or at least not very often.
Bro Code 122)
A Bro is always psyched. Always
Bro Code 121)
Even if he’s never skied before, a Bro doesn’t trifle with the bunny slope. Corollary – If a Bro experiences a catastrophic wipeout, he can always blame his bindings or the conditions.
Bro Code 120)
A Bro always calls another Bro by his last name.
Bro Code 119)
When three Bros must share the backseat of a car, it is unacceptable for any Bro to put his arm around another Bro to increase space. Likewise, it is unacceptable for two Bros to share a motorcycle, unless said motorcycle is equipped with a sidecar…a Brotorcycle
Bro Code 118)
When a Bro is with his Bros, he is not a vegetarian.
Bro Code 117)
A Bro never willingly relinquishes possession of a remote control. If another Bro desires a channel change, he may verbally request one or engage in the fools errand of getting up to manually change the channel. Corollary – It is fully expected that a Bro will try anything to gain possession of the remote upto and including an attempt to flatulate his Bro out of the room.
Bro Code 116)
A Bro shall not kill another Bro or that Bros’ chances to score with a chick
Bro Code 115)
A “clothing optional” beach doesn’t really mean “clothing optional” for Bros.
Bro Code 114)
If a Bro must crash on his Bro’s couch for an extended period of time, he shall offer to split the cost of toilet paper and the cable bill if said period exceeds two weeks. If he stays longer than a month, he shall offer to contribute some rent. If he stays longer than two months, he shall steam clean the couch or have it incinerated, whichever is more applicable.
Bro Code 113)
A Bro abides by the accepted age-difference formula when pursuing a young chick Acceptable age difference formula: Chick’s age = (Guy’s age divided by 2) + 7
Bro Code 112)
A Bro doesn’t sing along to music in a bar. Exception: A Bro may participate in karaoke. Exception to exception: No chick songs
Bro Code 111)
If a Bro discovers another Bro has forgotten to sign out of his email the Bro will sign out for him, but only after first sending a few angry emails to random contacts and then deleting all sent messages.
Bro Code 110)
If a Bro is hitting it off with a chick, his Bro shall do anything within his means to ensure the desired outcome.
Bro Code 109)
When Bros attend a sporting event and see themselves on the JumboTron, they shall purse their lips and flex their biceps while informing the crowd that their team is number one, despite any objective rankings to the contrary.
Bro Code 108)
If a Bro forgets a guy’s name he may call him “brah”,”dude”, or “man” but never “Bro”.
Bro Code 107)
A Bro never leaves another Bro hanging.
Bro Code 106)
Given an option on quantity when ordering a beer with his Bros, a Bro always selects the largest size available or shall never hear the end of it that night.
Bro Code 105)
If a Bro is not invited to another Bro’s wedding, he doesn’t make a big deal out of it, even if, let’s face it, he was kind of responsible for setting up the couple and had already picked out the perfect wedding gift and everything. It’s cool. No big whoop
Bro Code 104)
The mom of a Bro is always off-limits. But the stepmom of a Bro is fair game if she initiates and /or is wearing at least one article of leopard print clothing…provided she looks good in it…but not if she smokes menthol cigarettes.
Bro Code 103)
A Bro never wears socks with sandals. He commits to one cohesive footgear plan and sticks with it
January 2012
30 posts
Bro Code 102)
A Bro shall take great care in selecting and training his wingman.
Bro Code 101)
If a Bro asks another Bro to keep a secret, he shall take that secret to his grave and beyond if the Bro discovers there is indeed life after death. This is what makes them Bros, not chicks.
Bro Code 100)
When pulling up to a stoplight, a Bro lowers his window so that all might enjoy his music selection. Corollary: If there happens to be a hot chick driving the car next to the Bro, the Bro shall pull his sunglasses down to get a better look. If he’s not wearing his sunglasses, he will first put them on, then pull them down to get a better look.
Bro Code 99)
A Bro never asks for directions when lost. Exception: A Bro may as for directions for a hot chick who seems to know the area. A Bro may ask for directions from a hot chick even if she also appears lost. A Bro may ask for directions from a hot chick even if he himself is not lost at all.
Bro Code 98)
A Bro never lies to his Bros about the hotness of chicks at a given social venue or event.
Bro Code 97)
Where a Bro went to college is going to kick his Bro’s college’s ass all over the field this weekend
Bro Code 96)
Bros shall go camping once a year, or at least attempt to start a fire.
Bro Code 95)
A Bro shall alert another Bro to the presence of a chesty woman regardless of whether or not he knows the Bro. Such alerts may not be administered verbally. (The shoes tap, The eye redirect, The swift shin kick D cups and up only, please)
Bro Code 94)
If a Bro is in the bathroom and runs out of toilet paper, another Bro may toss him a new roll, but at no point may their hands touch or the door open more than 30 degrees from fully closed.
Bro Code 93)
Bros don’t speak French to each other.
Bro Code 92)
A Bro keeps his booty calls at a safe distance.
Bro Code 91)
If a group of Bros suspect that their Bro is trying to give himself a nickname, they shall rally to call him by an adjacent yet more demeaning nickname.
Bro Code 90)
A Bro shows up at another Bro’s party with at least one more unit of alcohol than he plans to drink. So if a Bro plans on chugging a six pack, he shall bring a six pack plus at least one can of beer. If the party sucks and/or there are too many dudes, the Bro is entitled to leave with his alcohol, though etiquette dictates he should wait until nobody is looking.
Bro Code 89)
A Bro shall always say yes in support of a Bro.
Bro Code 88)
If a Bro, for whatever reason must drive another Bro’s car, he shall not adjust the preprogrammed radio stations, the mirrors, or the seat position, even if this last requirement results in the Bro trying to drive the vehicle as a giant praying mantis would
Bro Code 87)
A Bro never questions another Bro’s stated golf score, maximum bench press, or height. He can however, ask the Bro to prove it, traditionally in the form of a wager.
Bro Code 86)
When a Bro meets a chick he shall endeavor to find out where she fits on the Hot/Crazy Scale before pursuing her.
Bro Code 85)
If a Bro buys a new car, he is required to pop the hood when showing it off to his Bros. Corollary – His Bros are required to whistle, even if they don’t know what they are whistling at.
Bro Code 84)
Bro shall stop whatever he’s doing and watch Die Hard if it’s on TV. Corollary – Also the Shawshank Redemption, Top Gun, first half of Full Metal Jacket.
Bro Code 83)
A Bro shall, at all costs, honor the Platinum Rule: Never, ever, ever, ever ” love” thy neighbor. In particular, a Bro shall never mix it up romantically with a co-worker. Exceptions – Coworker is an 8 or better, you are superior to the coworker, coworker dresses a little slutty, company recently sued for sexual harassment, someone makes a bet that you can’t, you are switching floors soon, you...
Bro Code 82)
If two Bros get into a heated argument over something and one says something out of line, the other shall not expect him to take it back or apologize to make amends. That’s inhuman.
Bro Code 81)
A Bro leaves the toilet seat up for his Bros
Bro Code 80)
A bro shall make every effort to aid another Bro in riding the tricycle (engaging in a threesome), short of completing the tricycle himself. The total age of all the three should be less than 83.
Bro Code 79)
At a wedding, Bros shall reluctantly trudge out for the garter toss and feign interest for the benefit of the chicks present. Whichever Bro gets stuck with the garter shall light-heartedly pretend he’s not mortified at the thought of being the next one to drop before scurrying to the bar for a very stiff drink and/or shots.
Bro Code 78)
A Bro shall never rack jack his wingman. Rack jack is to steal your wingman’s chick. To commemorate and solidify the unbreakable bond between the Bro and his wingman, it is recommended that before going out, each face the other, place his left hand on the Bro code, raise his right hand, and recite the wingman pledge.
Bro Code 77)
Bros don’t cuddle
Bro Code 76)
If a Bro is on the phone with a chick while in front of his Bros and, for whatever reason, desires to say “I love you” he shall first excuse himself from the room or employ a subsonic barry white-esque tone