December 2011
31 posts
Bro Code 72)
A Bro never spell-checks
Bro Code 71)
As a courtesy to Bros the world over, a Bro never brings more than two other Bros to a party. Three Bros are cool - Three amigos, Three musketeers, The police, Apollo 13 Astronauts and the Three stooges. Four Bros are lame – Mount Rushmore, The Fantastic Four, The Monkeys and Michael Jordan’s team mates.
Bro Code 70)
A Bro will drive another Bro to the airport or pick him up, but never both for the same trip. He is not expected to be on time, help with luggage, or inquire about his Bro’s trip or general well-being.
Bro Code 69)
Duh.
Bro Code 68)
If a Bro be on hot streak, another Bro will do everything possible to ensure its longevity, even if that includes jeopardizing his own records, the missing of work, or, if necessary, generating a realistic fear that the end of the world is imminent. Exception - Dry spell trumps hot streak.
Bro Code 67)
Should a Bro pick up a guitar at a party and commence playing, another Bro shall point out that he is a tool.
Bro Code 66)
If a Bro suffers pain due to the permanent dissolution of a relationship with a lady friend, a Bro shall offer nothing more than a ‘that sucks, man’ and copious quantities of beer. A Bro will also refrain from pejorative commentary - deserved or not - regarding said lady friend for a period of three months, when the requisite BACKSLIDE WINDOW has closed.
Bro Code 65)
A Bro must always reciprocate a round of drinks among Bros. Exception - A Bro is off the hook if a Bro orders a drink with an umbrella in it.
Bro Code 64)
A Bro must provide his Bro with a ticket to an event if said event involves the second Bro’s favorite sports team in a playoff scenario.
Bro Code 63)
A Bro will make any and all efforts to provide his Bro with protection. Bro-tection forms a central pillar or, more accurately, a plastic coating for the central pillar of the Bro way of life.
While not legally or physically responsible for any repercussions of failing to provide protection, it’s not uncommon for a Bro to experience pangs of guilt after a fellow Bro becomes infected with a...
Bro Code 62)
In the event that two Bros lock on to the same target, the Bro who calls dibs first has dibs. If both call dibs at the same time, the Bro who counts aloud to ten the fastest has dibs. If both arrive at the number ten at the same time, the Bro who bought the last round of drinks has dibs. If they haven’t purchased drinks yet, the taller of the two Bros has dibs. If they’re the same height, the Bro...
Bro Code 61)
If a Bro for whatever reason becomes aware of another Bro’s anniversary with a chick, he shall endeavor to make that information available to his Bro, regardless of whether he thinks his Bro already knows
Bro Code 60)
A Bro shall honor they father and mother, for they were once Bro and chick. However, a Bro never thinks of them in that capacity.
Bro Code 59)
A Bro must always post bail for another Bro, unless it’s out of state or, like, crazy expensive (Crazy expensive bail >(years you’ve been bros) x $100)
Bro Code 58)
A Bro doesn’t grow a moustache. Exception – While shaving it’s more than ok for a Bro to keep the whiskers around his mouth till the end so that he might temporarily experiment with different facial hair configurations.
Bro Code 57)
A Bro never reveals the score of a sporting event to another Bro unless that Bro has thrice confirmed he wants to hear it.
Bro Code 56)
A Bro is required to alert another Bro if the Bro/chick Ration at a party falls below 1:1. However, to avoid Bro-flation, a Bro is only allowed to alert one Bro. Further, a Bro may not speculate on the anticipated Bro/Chick Ratio of a party or venue without first disclosing the present-time observed ratio.
Bro Code 55)
Even in an emergency that requires a tourniquet, a Bro never borrows from or lends clothes to another Bro.
Bro Code 54)
A Bro is required to go out with his Bros on St. Paddy’s Day and other official Bro holidays, including Halloween, New Year’s Eve, and Desperation Day (February 13th)
Bro Code 53)
Even in a drought, a Bro flushes twice.
Bro Code 52)
A Bro is not required to remember another Bros birthday, though a phone call every not and again probably wouldn’t kill him.
Bro Code 51)
A Bro checks out another Bro’s blind date and reports back with a thumbs-up or thumbs-down.
Bro Code 50)
If a Bro should accidentally strike another Bro’s undercarriage with his arm while walking, both Bros silently agree to continue on as if it never happened.
Bro Code 49)
When asked, “Do you need some help?” a Bro shall automatically respond, “I got it,” whether or not he’s actually got it. Exceptions – Carrying an expensive TV, parallel parking an expensive car and loading an expensive TV on to an expensive car.
Bro Code 48)
A Bro never publicly reveals how many chicks he’s banged. Corollary – A bro also never reveals how many chicks another Bro has banged.
Bro Code 47)
A Bro never wears pink. Not even in Europe.
Bro Code 46)
If a Bro is seated next to some dude who’s stuck in the middle seat on an airplane, he shall yield him all of their shared armrest, unless the dude has (a) taken his shoes off, (b) is snoring, (c) makes the Bro get up more than once to use the lavatory, or (d) purchased headphones after they announced the in-flight movie is 27 Dresses. See Article 35.
Bro Code 45)
A Bro never wears jeans to a strip club. Reasons – a) Cloth pockets are roomier and elastic allowing for a thicker wad of cash. b) Denim clashes with the club’s leopard, zebra or other safari animal motif. c) One word, two syllables, three hours in the ER – Zipper. d) It’s a performance and deserves respect. e) You don’t feel it as much on your… you know what..
Bro Code 44)
A Bro never applies sunscreen to another Bro. Exceptions – If the Bros are within 7 degrees latitude of the equator.
Bro Code 43)
A Bro loves his country, unless that country isn’t America.
Bro Code 42)
Upon greeting another Bro, a Bro may engage in a high five, fist bump, or a Bro hug, but never a full embrace.